I lost my baby

I never posted on here because Ive been so busy, but on Fathers Day we found out we were expecting a very precious bundle of joy! I wrapped the test up and gave it to hubby for fathers day, It was so great watching him unwrap it. We were both so so excited and already started dreaming of our babys future! My other pregnancies have always been high risk, but we were going to think positive with this one and everything was going too be fine!! 3rd times a charm!!! I didnt have cramping and my morning sickness was pretty bad, i was feeling pretty good, but on 7-17-07
we found out

I lost my baby

Im so heartbroken.

My pregnancy was going so good, I had bad morning sickness and no cramping or anything.

Yesterday at 830 in the morning me and my husband went to our appt! I was so excited to see my little baby. Everyone said CONGRATS in the office (they all know me from my last pregnancy). I was nervous, but excited.

He (I feel it was a boy) looked so perfect! I saw his head (neils said "he has your head") and body and cute little arms and legs. He looked so peaceful. I noticed right away that I couldnt see a heartbeat. But ive heard where its hard to pick up right away sometimes. So my dr. was moving the u/s around in different angles. I got to see all of my precious baby.

But I was getting so concerned that we couldnt find a heartbeat, and the baby wasnt moving. I finally said "hes alive right??" and my dr. didnt answer. Thats when I turned away! A few moments later my dr. looked at me very sad and said "there is no heartbeat" i can not explain the feeling I felt! I instantly started crying and my husband later said that my legs were trembling!! My dr. kept looking then stopped and left so we could have some peace. we just held eachother and cried. I couldnt believe it!!!

After we calmed down we went into his office. He was so sweet! My dr. handled it so well!! He explained how most of the time its genetic. I asked if i had a subchorionic hematoma (i had it in my last pregnancy and it can cause miscarriage) he said i did where the placenta is tearing away. He said that could have happened before, and caused the loss of the baby, or it could have happened after and is happening because my body is preparing to abort it. He thinks it happened after the baby passed away. He also said that he could see my uterus is starting to collapse. It was so hard.

We had to sign paperwork for him to refer us to the hospital for a second u/s to confirm whether or not the baby had passed away or not. It was so sad seeing "fetal demise" written on there. He also had to explain what would happen in the D&C, that parts hard to get out of my head. But i do not want to feel my body expelling my sweet baby and having to flush it down the toilet. So I had to sign paperwork then it was time to leave. There was a pregnant lady in the waiting room and it just made me cry more. i dont want to see any pregnant ppl right now!!!

We went and picked up our boys and had to tell our friends and some family about our sweet babys passing. It was so hard and felt like a nightmare that i desperately wanted to wake up from!!! At 1 we had to go to the hospital and register at preop for a d&c the next day. that was so hard having to answer so many questions. Then we had to go to the lab and get blood drawn, then with my full bladder we had to go to our next u/s to see once and for all if our baby had passed away. We had to wait for forever and I was getting so mad! I eventually got up and went to the bathroom anyway, then started drinking more to make up for it. Then the u/s dr. came and brought us back. i was so nervous my whole body was shaking and i couldnt stop it!! I kept thinking that i saw little glitches of the heartbeat, but it was in my head. she did a belly u/s and then a vaginal u/s and our little baby still looked perfect but no movement and no heartbeat. I was heartbroken all over again. We then left to go home!

It has been so hard! I love my baby with all my heart, just like i do my live babies. I rubbed my belly and talked to him all the time. The night befre the u/s I had some colostrum/milk leak and thought "YES!! you are ok" then the morning right before the u/s i had a little bloody nose and thought it was another sign that he was ok! But he wasnt. I lost my morning sickness symptoms on sunday, so am wondering if thats when he passed or not. I am not sure. I wish i knew when and why!

He is still in my belly, perfect as can be, but no longer alive. He looked so cozy. I have a picture of him. he is just perfect! Why did he have to die? I dont want him dead! I want him alive!! we already had so many dreams for him! his due date was justa little bit past my birthday and valentines day, he was going to be my bday or valentines day present!!! and he was his daddys fathers day present!! I found out on fathers day and gave my husband the test wrapped up for his fathers day present!! Im so heartbroken. I barely slept all last night knowing it was my last night I would have my baby inside me. Today is so hard knowing today is my last day with my baby inside me. and tonight when I go to the hospital and have to say goodbye, i dont know what i will do!! and to wake up and leave without him just hurts so bad to think about it. I WANT MY BABY ALIVE!!!!

I love you my precious baby, and I will never forget you! and I will not let you be forgotten!! you will always be my baby!!!