D&C is done :*(

I wrote this all out and somehow didnt push post.

two days ago was the day my baby left my body.

We had to be at the hospital at 6:30, I didnt want to go, i wanted my baby to stay inside me, where he was cozy, not pulled out into this dark world, for them to put his body wherever they did.

We got at the hospital and spent 2 hrs in the waiting room! Grandma Grandpa and my sister showed up which really helped! It meant so much for them to be here for us and our baby! He was so loved and special! and will be missed so much!!

I got called back to our room where I had to undress and get the IV in and everything.

I hadnt ate all day, but didnt have an appetite.

We were in the room a few hours. Just relaxing and watching tv. Me and my hubby kept our hands on my belly, as close to our baby as possible. It was so sad. I spoke to him in silence, telliing him how much i loved him and wished he were alive, but that he would be forever in our hearts.

I did fine until the song came on the tv "Lean on me" then I started bawling and couldnt hold it in. I just kept saying I wanted to keep my baby, I wanted him alive, I wanted him to stay in me! I dont want him dead!!! I hate feeling this way. Then a few moments later the anasthesiologist came in and said "ready or not sweety, its time to go" i started bawling and said I didnt want to!!!! My hubby was able to come with me. We went to another room before going to the operation room. I was crying so hard!! me and neils just held tight to my belly and talked about our precious baby who meant the world to us!!!

Different dr's came in to ask questions before the operation. They said waiting was the worst part. Not for me, the longer I waited, the longer I got to keep my baby inside me!

Then they came to take me to preop and me and baby had to kiss Neils goodbye. It was so hard, i bawled all the way there, it was such a blur. They got me in the operating room, it looked so cold, and the last thing i remember was the anasthesiologist saying he was going to give me oxygen and he put a mask on my face.

Next thing I know I woke up in a different room and there was the anasthesiologist and a nurse talking, and no one else. Then i realized that it was all done and my precious little baby was no longer inside me. I instantly started crying inconsolably, hugging my belly, wanting him back so bad. The nurse kept coming and telling me to calm down and breathe. I felt like saying "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I hated her!!!! but looking back I think it was because I wanted to hate someone, and she was there. At one point I was crying so hard my heartrate was so fast you could barely hear between beats. She came again and rubbed me and told me i really needed to calm down. I just hated her!! Finally they wheeled me to my room where my Hubby grabbed me and we held eachother and cried and cried and cried!!!! We miss our baby so so so so much!!!!! He was our baby! we loved him like our alive kids!!! I want him BACK!!!!

our family left and we wept alone. Then calmed down and I felt more at peace (for a little anyway) and we watched tv. I started feeling crampy and my birth canal was throbbing! it was so sad feeling that but having no baby to hold!!! I got a shot of demerol. I hate wearing a pad, I am suppose to be pregnant, not wearing a pad!!

We got home at 3AM. They said my D&C was the latest they have ever seen one done. I love my Dr. so much!! He took time away from his family because he knew how much it meant for me to have him be the one to give birth to my baby. And he is so empathetic and understanding.

Me and hubby slept in our bed, I kept hearing him wince in his sleep :( it was so sad! I woke myself up doing the same thing sometimes.

I woke up the next morning and just bawled on his chest, he cried with me.

I still have iodine all over my thighs, and I smell like birth. Except I have no baby to hold!!! And i dont want to take a shower and wash it all away. I know it might sound gross, but I dont want to wash away any part of him! I am still in the same clothes i wore to the hospital and still have my bracelets on.

GOSH I MISS HIM!!!!! I JUST WANT HIM BACK SO BAD!!!

Yesterday a close friend of mine brought over a pot of chrysanthemums and food, it was so sweet!! Today I had the overwhelming feeling of wanting to place them in a beautiful pot with a steak in it with an angel on top. A memorial for our baby. and next thing I know my friend is at the door with it! it was so sweet!!! me and hubby set it all up this evening, it was sad but felt good to do something for him. He deserves so much, our precious little baby!!! Our baby forever!!